Most viewed jokes

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:

General Education

• GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
• GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
• GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
• GE104: How to Parallel Park
• GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
• GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
• GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics

• HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
• HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
• HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
• HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
• HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
• HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships

• IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
• IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
• IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
• IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
• IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
• IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.

What does a bee get at McDonalds?
→ A humburger!

What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?
→ A bee in a submarine!

What's more dangerous than being with a fool?
→ Fooling with a bee!

What did the spider say to the bee?
→ Your honey or your life!

Who is a bee's favorite painter?
→ Pablo Beecasso!

What did the bee to the other bee in summer?
→ Swarm here isn't it!

What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?
→ Bee-thoven!

Who writes books for little bees?
→ Bee-trix Potter!

Where do bees go on holiday?
→ Stingapore!

What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?
→ He's bee-witched!

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.

The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.

The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.

A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.

"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.

Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said.

Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.

But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said.

Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

• Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
• WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
• When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,' do it again. Continue until they go away.
• Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."
• Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
• cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.
• Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

SAT score decayAs we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.

The following may be the reason why.

A math problem in the 60'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's using New MathA logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

A math problem in the 80'sA logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)

What to say to a telemarketer!

One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

- Me: Hello

- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

- Me: May I ask who is calling?

- AT&T: This is AT&T.

- Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

- Me: Hello?

- AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

- Me: May I ask who is calling please?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

- Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: The phone company?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

- AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

- Me: I already have a phone.

- AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

- Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

- AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

- Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

- AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

- Me: 7 days a week?

- AT&T: That's right.

- Me: 365 days a year?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!

- AT&T: We think so!

- Me: That's quite a sum of money!

- AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

- Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a cash advance?

- AT&T: Excuse me?

- Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

- AT&T: What are you talking about?

- Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

- AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

- Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

- AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....

- Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

- AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....

- Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?

- AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

- Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

- AT&T: What?

- Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

- AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......

- Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

- Me: Yeth?

- Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

- Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

- Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

- Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

- Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

- Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

- AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

- Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........

- AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............
Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............