Most viewed jokes

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem.

"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench." He says.

He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard.

The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?"

"What?" She yells back.

"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams.

"What?"

"MONKEY WRENCH!!?... MONKEY WRENCH!!?"

"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"

MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Weight Control

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

• Beating around the bush: 75
• Jumping to conclusions: 100
• Climbing the walls: 150
• Swallowing your pride: 50
• Passing the buck: 25
• Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight): 50-300
• Dragging your heels: 100
• Pushing your luck: 250
• Making mountains out of molehills: 500
• Hitting the nail on the head: 50
• Wading through paperwork: 300
• Bending over backwards: 75
• Jumping on the bandwagon: 200
• Balancing the books: 25
• Running around in circles: 350
• Eating crow: 225
• Tooting your own horn: 25
• Climbing the ladder of success: 750
• Pulling out the stops: 75
• Adding fuel to the fire: 160
• Wrapping it up at the day's end: 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

• Opening a can of worms: 50
• Putting your foot in your mouth: 300
• Starting the ball rolling: 90
• Going over the edge: 25
• Picking up the pieces after: 350

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

Yo mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

What is the prudent thing to do when someone has an epileptic seizure in a hot tub?
→ Toss in your laundry.