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Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 18 years to live.

Yo mama is so fat, she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish.

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious... What does Hell look like?"

So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me." And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator."

The man said "Thank you" and then climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven.

After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, "I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question."

"Go ahead", replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?"

Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, huh. I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super Bowl !!"

From one of Tom Clancy's books:

- Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???"

- Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "Now, let's be more positive..."

- Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..."

- Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?"

- Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

• Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
• Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Less-Known Computer Languages Basic-Fortran-Cobol... Theseprogramming languages are wellknown and (more or less) wellloved throughout the computerindustry.

There are numerous otherlanguages however that are lesswell known yet still have ardentdevotees. In fact these little-known languages generallyhave the most fanatic admirers.

For those who wish to know moreabout these obscure languages -and why they are obscure - Ipresent the following catalog.

SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronymfor Sheer Idiot's Mono PurposeProgramming LingusiticEnvironment.

This language developed at theHanover College for TechnologicalMisfits was designed to make itimpossible to write code witherrors in it. The statements aretherefore confined to BEGIN-END-and STOP. No matter how youarrange the statements you can'tmake a syntax error.

Programs written in SIMPLE donothing useful.

Thus they achievethe results of programs writtenin other languages without thetedious frustrating process oftesting and debugging.

SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best knownfor the speed or lack of it ofits compiler. Although manycompilers allow you to take acoffee break while they compileSLOBOL compilers allow you to takea trip to Bolivia to pick up thecoffee. Forty-three programmersare known to have died of boredomsitting at their terminals whilewaiting for a SLOBOL program tocompile.

Weary SLOBOL programmers often turnto a related (but infinitely faster) language...

COCAINE.

VALGOL ... (With special thanks toDan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)- From its modest beginnings insouthern California's SanFernando Valley VALGOL is enjoyinga dramatic surge of popularityacross the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY-LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variablesare assigned with the =LIKE and=TOTALLY operators.

Other operatorsinclude the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions ofcode are handled in FOR-SURE loops.

Here is a sample VALGOL program. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START. %% IF. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX. 4K (FERSURE)**2. 18 THEN. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2). 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT). -17 SURE. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM. ? REALLY. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)VALGOL is characterized by itsunfriendly error messages. Forexample when the user makes asyntax error the interpreterdisplays the message GAG ME WITHA SPOON!

LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL isa derivative of LAIDBACK whichwas developed at the (now defunct)Marin County Center for T'ai ChiMellowness and ComputerProgramming as an analternative to themore intense atmosphere in nearbysilicon valley. The center wasideal for programmers who liked tosoak in hot tubs while theyworked. Unfortunately fewprogrammers could survive therefor long since the center outlawedpizza and RC Cola in favor of beancurd and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACKbecause its reputation as agentle and nonthreatening language.

For example LAIDBACK responded tosyntax errors with the messageSORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE ... Named after the lateexistential philosopher.

SARTRE isan extremely unstructuredlanguage. Statements in SARTRE haveno purpose they are just there.

Thus SARTRE programs are left todefine their own functions.

SARTRE programmers tend to beboring and depressed and are nofun at parties.

FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precisionmathematical language in whichthe data types refer to quantity.

The data types range from CC-OUNCE-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH(hence the name of the language)LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.

Commands refer to ingredientssuch as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCHand WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTHlanguage reflect the sophisticationand financial status of its users.

Commands in the ELITE dialectinclude VSOP and LAFITE whilecommands in the GUTTER dialectinclude HOOTCH and RIPPLE.

The latter is a favorite offrustrated FORTH programmers whoend up using the language.

C-...

This language was namedfor the grade received by itscreater when he submitted itas a class project in agraduate programming class.

C- is best described as a'Low Level' programminglanguage.

In fact the languagegenerally requires more C-statements than machine-codestatements to execute a giventask. In this respect itis very similar to COBOL.

LITHP ... This otherwiseunremarkable language isdistinguished by the absenceof an "s" in its character set.

Programmers and users mustsubstitute"TH". LITHP is said tobe useful in prothething lithtth.

DOGO ... Developed at theMassachussettes Institute ofObedience Training. DOGO heraldsa new era of computer literatepets. DOGO commands include SITSTAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. Aninnovative feature of DOGO is'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a smallcocker spaniel occasionally leavesa deposit as he travels acrossthe screen.

- Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

- Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?

- Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.

He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."

"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."

He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.

About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.

Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."

He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."

She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the window? That should make a lot of people happy."

Again he says it's a good idea and he does.

A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I still don't think I've done enough."

This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"