Most viewed jokes

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says:

- I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.

Well the second guy says:

- Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.

Well the third guy says:

- Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.

Well the fourth guys clearly states:

- Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.

The other three guys say really? Why's that?

And the fourth guys says:

- Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I shit my pants!

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher:

- You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!

The old rancher replied:

- Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.

1. You've got a hole in your head.
2. Your master strangles you all the time.
3. Your head is smaller than the rest of you.
4. You shrink in cold water.
5. You never get a haircut.
6. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
7. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
8. Your best friend is a pussy.
9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced:

- Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

As the next couple arrived he announced:

- Tarzan and Jane

and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

- Who do you think you are? - demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked:

- How shall I announce you?

The man said:

- I'm premature ejaculation

- I'm very sorry sir - said the doorman in obvious shock.

- I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering.

- O.K. - said the professor.

- Just say I came in my pants

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.

He says to her:

- What's going on?

She says:

- Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:

- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers:

- God Save The Queen - and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers:

- Viva La France - and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers:

- Remember the Alamo - and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Why didn't the internit get any e-mail?
→ Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.

What do you call two line dancers doing the dance Shoot the Rooster?
→ A Pair of Shoot (parachute)

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires:

- Are you looking at my pussy?

- Yes, I'm sorry - says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

- It's quite alright - replies the woman, - It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

- I can also make it wink - says the woman.

Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

- Come and sit next to me - suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Joe moves over and is asked:

- Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?

Stunned, Joe replies:

- Good grief! Can it whistle, too?