The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said:
- Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?
I said:
- Fire and theft.
Insurance agent frowned:
- Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.
Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.
What do elephants use for tampoons?
→ Sheep.
What's the national anthem of Puerto Rico?
→ "Attention K-Mart shoppers..."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies:
- This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest diameter.
- By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?
He coolly replies:
- Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
- Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
- Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
- Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
What is total agony?
→ A one-armed man hanging from a twenty story building, with a serious case of jock itch.
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit, which he fed to the dog. A busy body who had been watching ran up to him and said:
- You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!
The blind man retorted:
- I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end is his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass.
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."
She says:
- Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?
He says:
- I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
- What would you like to do next? - he asked.
- I wanna be weighed - she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed.
- One-twelve - said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
- I wanna be weighed - she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked:
- What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?
- Wousy - said the girl.
