Most viewed jokes

Why are Blondes like railroad tracks?
→ Because they are famous for getting laid all over the world!!!

During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had answered, he sneered and said:

- you are all wrong, the army is now your home.

Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say:

- you bet I do - the sergeant replied.

- men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess.

Where do you think you are? Home?

What do you call a one legged linedancer?
→ Eileen (I Lean)

Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God:

- God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely here?

So God said:

- I will put on earth a woman.

- What is this 'woman'? - asked Adam.

- A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs - explained God.

- Oh holy master, what is the price for this woman? - asked Adam.

- The price for her is your left arm and your right eye - said God.

Then Adam replied:

- Ehh... what can I get for a rib?

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.

For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

- When you and I get out of here, - the jailbird said to the fly, - we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.

Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.

At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking.

- What about this fly, eh? - he said to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.

- Glad you saw it, - muttered the bartender.

- Blasted things are everywhere.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife:

- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses:

- Yes. Yes he did.

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks:

- Who? Who was he? Who was the father?

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says:

- You.

UR MOMA IS SO HAIRY THAT HARRY POTTER GOT JEALOUS.

Yo mama is so poor when her friend came over to use the bathroom she said ok, choose a corner.

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled:

- TOUCHDOWN!!

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked:

- George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

- Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did - advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

- Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? - Clinton asked.

- Cut taxes and reduce the size of government - advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

- Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? - Clinton asked.

And Abe replied:

- Go to the theater!