A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
How do you get pikachu on to a boat?
→ You pokemon
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said:
- I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said:
- Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!
So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.
After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
- I don't know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!
A man walks into a doctors office one day with a frog on his head.
He sits down and the doctor says:
- What's the problem?
The frog says:
- Doctor, is there any way you can get this wart off my ass?
Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.
They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on. The first doctor said:
- I like to work on electricians.
- Why - the others replied.
He answered:
- When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes.
The second doctor said:
- I like to work on librarians.
- Why - the other doctors asked.
He replied:
- Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern.
The third doctor said:
- Well, I like to work on lawyers.
- Lawyers?! - replied the others suprised.
- Yes, Lawyers - he stated.
- But why? - they asked him.
- Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable.
Your momma is so fat when she fell in the Grand Canyon she got stuck half way down
How do I know anything really exists?
→ Kick it really hard.
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife:
- That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver.
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said:
- Sorry Sam, it's for after.
A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.
The bartender says:
- Hey fella, why the long face?
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read:
- Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.
- Well, then - the reporter said - the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'.
- Actually - the man said - I'm from Connecticut.
- In that case - the reporter said in a huff - the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'.
