Most viewed jokes

What's black and white and red all over?
→ A nun in a car accident.

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun:

- I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

- May I touch them?

The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.

The nun then asks:

- Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?

The priest drops his drawers.

- May I touch it?

After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says:

- you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!

- Is that right - the nun replies?

- Yes - says the priest.

So the nun said:

- Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
→ The back of her head.

An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide:

- How large is the population here?

- Around 1.5 billion - the guide answers.

American, after a short pause:

- So, what else do you do here?

Who makes more money a drug dealer or a hooker?
→ A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom.

- Oh yuck!! - she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked:

- What, they don't use those things where you come from?

- Yeah, but we don't skin 'em! - she said.

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled.

- On what grounds? - questioned the Judge:

- This court does not take annulments lightly.

- Non-virginity - replied the quarterback:

- When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver.

Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered:

- You know, I was a fool when I married you.

The wife simply sighed and replied:

- Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn't really notice.

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says:

- well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp.

Patrick says:

- that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?

and Mick replies:

- no, he fell out of the machine gun tower.