Most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
→ She missed.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said:

- Johnson, the pole vault, and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said:

- McTavish, the hammer.

He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced:

- O'Sullivan, fencing.

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said:

- If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess:

- If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The stewardess asked:

- Did your mother tell you to ask me?

The boy said that she had. She then said:

- Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.

How can you tell if a man is sexually exited?
→ He's Breathing.

Why is sex like money in the bank?
→ Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said:

- Yes, Officer?

- What are you doing? - the policeman asked.

- What does it look like? - answered the young man.

- I'm reading this magazine.

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked:

- And what is she doing?

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied:

- I think she's knitting a sweater.

Confused, the officer asked:

- How old are you, young man?

- I'm nineteen - he replied.

- And how old is she? - asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said:

- Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen.

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says:

- Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass.

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin:

- You know, you're right!

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher.

- Are you a friend of the bride ? - he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

Yo mama is so fat she uses her underwear for bungy jumping.

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says:

- they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens.

So she does and the next morning come back and says:

- the sex was great what if I use ten??

And the docter replied:

- they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens.

So the next day she comes back and says:

- the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says:

- my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.