Most viewed jokes

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says:

- they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens.

So she does and the next morning come back and says:

- the sex was great what if I use ten??

And the docter replied:

- they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens.

So the next day she comes back and says:

- the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says:

- my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies:

- Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go.

- Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that - says the warden. He turns to the biker:

- And you, biker, what's your last request?

- That you kill me first.

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs?
→ They sit eggsaminations!

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date:

- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

- I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

- I used to come here all the time with my ex.

- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

- I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

- It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'

WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber," says a Republican senator.

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.

The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said:

- I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

The agent replied:

- I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:

- Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

- May I have your attention please? - she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.

- We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore:

- F*** you.

Without flinching, she smiled and said:

- I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too.

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."

How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stoll?
→ you turn it over!

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!