Most viewed jokes

Sobel goes into the optometrist's office.

He opens the door and says to the receptionist:

- I think I need my eyes checked.

She says:

- You're not kidding. This is the Ladies Room.

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied:

- Earl.

- You got a last name, Earl?

- Nope. It's a long story, Officer.

- I got time.

Earl sighs and says:

- Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl.

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?

First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits.

Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom.

Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You!"

I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married,

but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.

A blond sees a brunette standing in the middle of the highway.

The brunette keeps saying:

- 88, 88, 88...

The blond calls to her as the cars and trucks wizz past.

- What are you doing?

- I'm counting cars - comes the reply.

- Want to help?

- Sure! - says the blond. She walks out to the middle of the highway to the brunette and starts saying:

- 88, 88, 88..

All the time the cars are dodging the two woman. Then a big semi drives by and runs over the blond. The brunnette calmly walks down the highway, picks a new spot, and starts muttering:

- 89, 89, 89...

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
→ She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
→ Ice caps!

What's an ig?
→ An eskimo's home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
→ Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
→ Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around?
→ By iceicle!

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
→ A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
→ You wake up wet!

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
→ Frost bite!

How do you call an Eskimo cow?
→ An Eskimoo!

What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
→ A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

What do you call a very rude bird?
→ A mockingbird!

Where do birds meet for coffee?
→ In a nest-cafe!

How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
→ With it's sparrowchute!

What is green and pecks on trees?
→ Woody Wood Pickle!

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
→ He didn't give a hoot!

What do you call a Scottish parrot?
→ A Macaw!

What do you call a bird that lives underground?
→ A mynah bird!

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
→ A great walkie-talkie!

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese

Chinese Phrase - English Translation

- Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

- Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

- Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

- Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

- Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

- Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

- Kum Hia: Approach me

- Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

- Lao Ze: Not very good

- Lin Ching: An illegal execution

- Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

- Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

- Shai Gai: A bashful person

- Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

- Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

- Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

- Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

- Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

- Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

- Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

- Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Well I'll be - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:

- I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?

- I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

What is the difference between a blonde and a brunette?
→ Well about 15 minutes!