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Room Service In Asia

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

- Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.

- Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

- RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??

- Guest: Uh..yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

- RS: Ow July den?

- G: What??

- RS: Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?

- G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.

- RS: Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?

- G: Crisp will be fine

- RS: Hokay. An San tos?

- G: What?

- RS: San tos. July San tos?

- G: I don't think so

- RS: No? Judo one toes??

- G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means.

- RS: Toes! toes!.. Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlishmopping we bother?

- G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

- RS: We bother?

- G: No..just put the bother on the side.

- RS: Wad?

- G: I mean butter - just put it on the side.

- RS: Copy?

- G: Sorry?

- RS: Copy...tea...mill?

- G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

- RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honeysigh, and copy....rye??

- G: Whatever you say.

- RS: Tendjewberrymud

- G: You're welcome

Have a good day

Sex Education Permission Slip

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

Guide To Sex For Virgins

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.

Where can I find the man of my dreams?
→ This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

How do I know if I found Mr Right?
→ Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Do men like aggresive virgins?
→ Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

What if a man's married?
→ Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.

But what if I fall in love with a married man?
→ This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "afterplay"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

What about the orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Are you sure?
→ Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

A Lottery Dinner

A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone.

- First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission.

- Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler.

Suddenly everyone was silent as he showed some numbers tatooed on his forearm and said:

- For the winning numbers.

Going Up First

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class:

- What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?

Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary.

- I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are.

- Very interesting. - replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.

- I think your feet go up first.

Confused but relieved the teacher said:

- Why is that?

Johnny replied:

- Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"

The Blinking Wing Light

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light.

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant:

- I'm sorry to bother you - she said, but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.

Welcome Home Dance

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said:

- Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?

ATM Procedures

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

  1. Drive up to the ATM
  2. Open the car window
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
  4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
  6. Close window
  7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

  1. Drive up to the ATM
  2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
  3. Re-start stalled engine
  4. Open the car window
  5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
  6. Turn radio down
  7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
  8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM
  9. Insert card
  10. Re-insert card the right way up
  11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
  12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
  13. Enter PIN
  14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
  15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
  16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"
  17. Retrieve cash and receipt
  18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
  19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
  20. Re-check make-up
  21. Drive forward two metres
  22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
  23. Retrieve card
  24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
  25. Drive two or three kilometres
  26. Release hand brake