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Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

- You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

- Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

- They keep shouting "Do over!"

- When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.

- Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.

- First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

- Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"

- Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.

- You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"

- They play like the Mets

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story:

- Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked:

- Did you buy this cow from Minsk?

- Rabbi! - they replied as one - You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?

The Rabbi said, sadly:

- My wife is from Minsk.

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed...+1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5
• But return with beer ...-5
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
• You pummel it with a six iron....+10
• It's her father...-10
• You leave the toilet seat up...-5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

• You stay by her side the entire party...0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
• Named Tiffany...-4
• Tiffany is a dancer...-6
• Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY

• You take her out to dinner...0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
• Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS

• You forget her birthday completely...-20
• You forget your anniversary...-30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

• Go out with a pal ...-5
• And the pal is happily married ...-4
• Or frighteningly single ...-7
• And he drives a Mustang...-10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
• You have a few beers...-9
• And miss curfew by an hour...-12
• You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
• You get home at 3am...-30
• You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40
• And not wearing any pants...-50
• Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT

• You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
• She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
• You wait up...+15
• She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT

• You take her to a movie...+2
• You take her to a movie she likes...+4
• You take her to a movie you hate...+6
• You take her to a movie you like...-2
• It's called DeathCop3...-3
• Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
• And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
• You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
• Something she can't use...+10
• Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
• And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING

• You let her tell you how to drive...+20
• You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
• You lost the directions on a trip...-4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
• You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
• You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION

• She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding...-10
• You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said:

- Sorry, no professionals.

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said:

- What a treasure!

- and her father said:

- Yes, let's go bury it.

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say:

- Wow, is it Halloween already?

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours...for a quote!
Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say:

- See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say:

- I'm thankful I didn't get caught

and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.
6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:

- Dear Comrade Imperialists,

The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...

- Dear Comrade Imperialists,

Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:

- Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere.

- How can I ever thank you? - gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

- My dear woman - Darrow replied, ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.

- Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

- Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

- Patient: What happened?

- Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

- Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

- Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks:

- What is your IQ? - to which the man answers - 241.

- That is wonderful! - says Albert. - We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks:

- What is your IQ? - to which the lady answers - 144.

- That is great! - responds Albert. - We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!

Albert goes to another person and asks:

- What is your IQ? - to which the man answers - 51.

Albert responds:

- How about them, Cowboys?

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

- Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.

- Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

- RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??

- Guest: Uh..yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

- RS: Ow July den?

- G: What??

- RS: Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?

- G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.

- RS: Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?

- G: Crisp will be fine

- RS: Hokay. An San tos?

- G: What?

- RS: San tos. July San tos?

- G: I don't think so

- RS: No? Judo one toes??

- G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means.

- RS: Toes! toes!.. Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlishmopping we bother?

- G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

- RS: We bother?

- G: No..just put the bother on the side.

- RS: Wad?

- G: I mean butter - just put it on the side.

- RS: Copy?

- G: Sorry?

- RS: Copy...tea...mill?

- G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

- RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honeysigh, and copy....rye??

- G: Whatever you say.

- RS: Tendjewberrymud

- G: You're welcome

Have a good day