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Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology

• NEW: Different colors from previous version.
• ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
• UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
• ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
• NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
• BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
• DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
• UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
• UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!

What was the policeman's baby's first words?
→ Hallo, Hallo, Hallo!

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change color
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves
OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions
OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor
OLD MP's never die, they just attain peerage
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose

Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $2 million lawsuit in August against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self-service prices, but not for men.

The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said:

- Implants?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.