Most viewed jokes

I'll never forget the first time I saw my husband, He was standing on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze, and he too proud to run after it.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said:

- I think I can stand over the hole!

So he stretched over the width of the hole and said:

- Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!

Your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.

- Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes - said the gym teacher.

- Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy.

- I'm freewheeling, sir.

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here." Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

- Hi - he said - I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?

- Get lost - she remarked - I am Lesbian.

- Oh, really? - he asked - How are things in Beiruit?

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.

- I'm in love with my horse - he said.

- But that's nothing - replied the shrink:

- A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.

- Ah, but doctor - the patient replied:

- It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.

- Ahhh! - exclaimed the doc:

- What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?

- Female, of course - said the bloke:

- What do you think I am, a faggot!

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church:

- Reverend, I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do? - she said.

- I have an idea - said the minister.

- Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. - And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice for you? - he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

- Jesus! - Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

- Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones - said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.

- Who is your redeemer? - he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

- God! - Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

- Right again - said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked:

- And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his last son?

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled:

- You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.