The Man's Point System

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed...+1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5
• But return with beer ...-5
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
• You pummel it with a six iron....+10
• It's her father...-10
• You leave the toilet seat up...-5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

• You stay by her side the entire party...0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
• Named Tiffany...-4
• Tiffany is a dancer...-6
• Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY

• You take her out to dinner...0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
• Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS

• You forget her birthday completely...-20
• You forget your anniversary...-30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

• Go out with a pal ...-5
• And the pal is happily married ...-4
• Or frighteningly single ...-7
• And he drives a Mustang...-10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
• You have a few beers...-9
• And miss curfew by an hour...-12
• You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
• You get home at 3am...-30
• You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40
• And not wearing any pants...-50
• Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT

• You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
• She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
• You wait up...+15
• She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT

• You take her to a movie...+2
• You take her to a movie she likes...+4
• You take her to a movie you hate...+6
• You take her to a movie you like...-2
• It's called DeathCop3...-3
• Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
• And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
• You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
• Something she can't use...+10
• Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
• And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING

• You let her tell you how to drive...+20
• You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
• You lost the directions on a trip...-4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
• You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
• You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION

• She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding...-10
• You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20