Most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
→ He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

What is the range of a tuba?
→ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
→ 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.

There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
→ The policeman

- Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?

- Friend: I hope so.

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
→ With a "tuba glue."

Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
→ Cats can't drive!

What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
→ A mutt in a rut!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
→ A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!

What do you call a happy Lassie?
→ A jolly collie!

What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
→ A dingo-ling!

What dog loves to take bubble baths?
→ A shampoodle!

How do you catch a runaway dog?
→ Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!

What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
→ Wire haired terriers!!

What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
→ Any kind of bloodhound!

What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
→ A bud hound!

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most.

The clerk said:

- It's made in Germany.

I said:

- That's too bad, I can't use it then.

The clerk said:

- What's the matter? You don't like German pens?

I said:

- No. I just never learned to write German.

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant:

- I think I'll just go and shoot myself.

The sergeant said:

- Better take a couple of extra bullets!

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said:

- Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.

The CO said:

- I see millions of stars.

- 1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

- CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

- 1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

- Pilot: Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!

- Tower: Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

If Britney Spears and Fat Bastard mated, the resulting child would be: Anna Nicole Smith.

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender:

- Me want Lager!

The bartender says:

- Sure, Chief, coming right up.

He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.

Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.

He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender:

- Me want beer!

The bartender says:

- Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about, anyway? - he asked.

The Indian explained:

- Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind.....