Most viewed jokes

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said:

- I hear sirens. Jump!

The second one said:

- But we're on the 13th floor!

The first one screamed back:

- This is no time to be superstitious.

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said:

- Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition.

The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

- Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

- Doctor: Sell!

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced:

- go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.

A red head said:

- O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?

The blonde replied:

- Oh, that's easy, 'W'.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

How do men exercise at the beach?
→ By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

- 17: He offers to pay

- 25: He pays

- 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning

- 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

- 66: He can chew breakfast

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name:

- Fred - he replies.

- Fred what? - the officer asks.

- Just Fred - the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it:

- Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The man replies:

- It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

- After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

- Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

- Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred.

The officer let him go without even a warning.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.

Harry says:

- My God. What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead.

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount!" The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other: "We could eat the 30, I suppose."