Most viewed jokes

What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl?
→ "Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?"

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.

When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant "ex-girlfriend" appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her child and demanding she should be the one to be married. The one I saw even had a bunch of dead flowers with her!

It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice...

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say:

- Buk Buk BUK.

The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say:

- Buk Buk BuKKOOK!

The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say:

- Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!

The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying:

- Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...

What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
→ Speed bumps

How are lawyers like sperm?
→ One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

How is a woman like a road?
→ Both have manholes.

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

- How did you do over the weekend?

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?

- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a big one and a small one, and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

- That's admirable - said the judge.

- And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!

- Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them:

- this is your asshole before prison......

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted sign and held it in the helicopter's window.

The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign an held it in a building window. The sign said:

- YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded:

- I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.