Most viewed jokes

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is:

- Your Passionate

They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm:

- Your Passionate.

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman:

- Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.

She replied I keep trying to tell you:

- Your Passin It!

What is green and can jump a mile in a minute?
→ A grasshopper with hiccups!

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
→ The one in the sugar bowl!

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins:

- Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?

Wilkins replied:

- I don't know and I don't care!

- Waiter!

- Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

- There's a fly in my soup!

- Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- No, it's still there.

- Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

- Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

- A SOUP bowl!

- Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

- You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

- Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

- I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

- Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

- You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

- Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

- Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

- The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

- Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

- Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

- This is potato soup.

- Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

- Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

- Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said:

- I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia.

As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said:

- Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again.

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

- Alright - the lawyer says looking through his papers.

- You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

- What! That sounds like a car payment schedule - retorted the client.

- Your right. It's mine.

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

- I'm here for the paint job - she said.

- Alright - said the man.

- Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house.

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction:

- I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
→ You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?
→ Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.