Most viewed jokes

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxidermist.

- So you want them mounted? - asked the taxidermist.

To which she replied:

- No. Holding hands will do just fine.

My Mother taught me LOGIC:

- If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.

My Mother taught me MEDICINE:

- If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD:

- If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!

My Mother taught me ESP:

- Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE:

- What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!

My Mother taught me HUMOR:

- When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:

- If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS:

- You are just like your father!

My mother taught me about my ROOTS:

- Do you think you were born in a barn?

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE:

- When you get to be my age, you will understand.

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:

- Just wait until your father gets home.

My mother taught me about RECEIVING:

- You are going to get it when we get home.

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE:

- One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!

Jill tells her husband:

- Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

- Now, why can't you do that?

- Gosh, - Jack says, - why I hardly know the girl.

As supposedly reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break?

- I Fought The Law, And The Law Won

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
→ They go on peck-nics!

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
→ Coop-cakes!

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
→ An eggroll!

What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
→ The bombshell!

What does an alarm cluck say?
→ "Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo!"

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
→ Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

How long do chickens work?
→ Around the cluck!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
→ To prove he wasn't chicken!

Why did the rooster cross the road?
→ To cockadoodle dooo something!

Economic computer viruses:

- INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

- ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

- POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.

- GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.

- MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

- SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.

- MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense."

- CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

- MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.

- SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt.

- NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.

- ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives

The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him:

- Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?

- It's okay with me lady - said the plumber - as long as you don't splash my sandwiches.

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

A man walks into a bar one day and asks:

- Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?

- Yeah, I do! - a biker says, standing up.

- What about it?

- Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him...

- What are you talkin' about?! - the biker says, disbelievingly.

- How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?

- Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!

What do they call condoms in Germany?
→ Weinerhosen