Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained:
- I have an inferiority complex.
- Nothing I can do for you - said the doc.
- In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior...
An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain:
- When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike.
- Well, I don't think much of it either - replied the GI.
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
- I'm an attorney - the wincing man said, and this is going to cost you $5000.
- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry - the concerned golfer replied. But I did yell 'fore'.
- I'll take it - the attorney said.
- Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
- Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.
- Sorry, old man - Peter said - But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game.
- Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain... - the old golfer blithered.
- Well - said Peter - You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy.
So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office:
- We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain...
- So - booms God - You've been taking my name in vain.
- Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!
- OK. Try me - replied the Lord.
- Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree...
- And that's when you took my name in vain?
- Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole...
- So, that is when you took my name in vain?
- No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole...
- Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years.
- So, how's life been for you? - Ed asked.
- Not too good - Ted replied.
- My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.
- Oh dear, that sounds terrible. - Ed said.
- What business were you in?
- I sell lucky charms - said Ted.
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:
- All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:
- I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor.
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class:
- Who was the greatest man that ever lived?
A girl raises her hand and says:
- I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country.
The teacher replies:
- Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for.
Another young student raises his hand and says:
- I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war. ...
- Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for.
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says:
- I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.
The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment.
- Yes! - she says - that's the answer I was looking for. She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says:
- Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies:
- I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager:
- Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?
- Yep, that's him - he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
- That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?
- Because - the owner replied.
- before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said 'yes'. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
- Oh - she said.
- I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was.
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said:
- My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.
