An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions.
- Yes - says the Doctor.
- I would advise you to take in a boarder.
A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.
The Doctor remarks:
- so you took my advise and took in a boarder?
- Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also.....
Top 15 Household Pet Dishes
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said:
- Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000.
The client asked:
- What? How's that possible?
The doctor replied:
- You see, it's totally unused.
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
- Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?
To which the farmer replied:
- Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!
DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept.
When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it.
- I don't see why I have to show you my ID - the pilot snapped.
- After all, it is my plane.
- Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane - replied Jim.
- but it's sitting in my garage!
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out:
- green side up!
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled:
- green side up!
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled:
- green side up!
The lady then asked him:
- Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?
- I'm sorry - came the reply.
- But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
- So, did you jump? - the father asked.
- Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!
- Is that when you jumped? - asked the father.
- Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.
- Did you jump then? - asked the father.
- I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.
- So, did you jump?
- Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'
- So, did you jump? - asked the father.
- Well, a little, at first.
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said:
- Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?
- Why Yes, John, that would be nice - said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said:
- Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?
- Oh, no, John - said Marie. - What would I tell my Sunday School class?
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
- Hey, Marie - said John - Would you like a smoke?
- Oh, no, John - said Marie. - What would I tell my Sunday School class?
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
- Hey, Marie - said John - how would you like to stop at this motel with me?
- Sure, John, that would be nice - said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. What have I done? What have I done? - thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up.
- Marie, I've got to ask you one thing - said John. - What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?
Marie said:
- The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.
Make a wish!!!
(This is where you have to scroll down)
Really, go on and make one wish!!!
Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that either, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes.
Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
