Most viewed jokes

What's black and white and red all over?
→ A nun in a car accident.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced:

- You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted:

- Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say:

- I could really go for an ice cream cone.

Hubby replies:

- Well, I'll go get you one.

Wife says:

- But, you'll forget, you better write it down.

Hubby replies:

- No I won't; what do you want?

Wife says:

- Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

Hubby replies:

- Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him:

- What took you so long, did you get lost?

The hubby replies:

- No, and I got what you wanted.

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says:

- I knew you you should have written the order down.

Hubby says:

- What do you mean - every thing is there?

To which the wife replies:

- No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out:

- You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you...

The man begins crying:

- I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me...

The bar tender takes pity:

- Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says:

- Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..

- Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.

- Well, that's great. This beer is on the house.

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

- You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!

- I am! It doesn't bother me anymore...

Have you heard about the new medication that both an aphrodisiac and laxative?

It's called "Easy Cum, Easy Go".

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother:

- Mom, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy. - she said

The mother took a deep breath and began:

- When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing...

- I know how to fuck, mother - the bride-to-be interrupted.

- I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!

There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train, and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars until he discovered that an old lady's tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.

So he said to the lady:

- Hey, you think you could move your dog? I can't find a seat.

Now this wasn't a nice lady, so she replied:

- You rude American! My little poodles needs somewhere to be!

So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog:

- Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?

Of course, the woman's reply was about the same as the first one:

- You again?! Go away you rude man, don't bother my poodles!

So for the last time the man searched for a seat as the train started. He came back to the woman angrily:

- Move your mutt lady!

The woman went into a fit of frustration, scolding the man like a child.

Finally he'd had enough and grabbed the dog and threw it out the window. The woman sat in disbelief until the man accross the isle said:

- You damn Americans, you do everything wrong!

- You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, and NOW YOU THROW THE WRONG BITCH OUT THE WINDOW!

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass!

Did you hear about the Mexican bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.

Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?