Most viewed jokes

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

- Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

- Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?

- Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

- Operator: Woven? Are you sure?

- Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

- Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.

- Operator: Where are you calling from?

- Caller: The living room

- Caller: The water board please.

- Operator: Which department?

- Caller: Tap water.

- Operator: How are you spelling that?

- Caller: With letters.

- Caller: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.

- Operator: Do you have his name?

- Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

- Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.

- Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator:

- I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich Little

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Man and wife make one fool.

What is the definition of a slug?
→ A snail with a housing problem!

If you do some acrobatics with a little mathematics it will take you far along. If your idea's not defensible don't make it comprehensible or folks will find you out, and your work will draw attention if you only fail to mention what the whole thing is about. Your must talk of GNP and of elasticity of rates of substitution and undeterminate solution and oligonopopsony.

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the club house and call 911.

Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith in astonishment says:

- Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to give him CPR.

Mike replies:

- Well, it started off that way.

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say:

- Hi there little boy!!

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply:

- well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says:

- HI THERE LADIES!

What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
→ A virus does something.

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit.

- Don't be stupid - says the barman.

- We've got a perfectly good toilet here!

- Yes - explains the drinker.

- but I take salts.

- So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.

- What the hell went on in there?! - he demands.

- I told you - explained the drinker.

- No, you said that you take salts! - yelled the barman.

- That's right - the drinker shrugs.

- somersaults.