Most viewed jokes

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, "Dammit, I said UP."

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew:

- What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator:

- Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do? The navigator told him.

The captain replied:

- Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!

Have you heard the one about the . . . .
. . . recent survey on cigarettes which found that 90% of the men that tried Camels still prefer women.

WHY IS AN IMPOTENT MAN LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE?
→ THEY BOTH HAVE BALLS FOR DECORATION

Woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says: "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, 'please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You god damn bitch, you ruined my life.'"

A guy says:

- I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.

- Yeah what happened? asked his friend.

- Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

What happened then?
→ He told me, he says:

- I have to kill you because you can identify me.

Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.

How many were boys?
→ None.

Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
→ That's me.

Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
→ Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up also?

Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
→ I'll be three months on March 12th.

Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
→ Yes.

What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
→ I used to be.

How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Have you lived in this town all your life?
→ Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said:

- Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.

Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
→ It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.

And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
→ No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life succinctly. "When it all boiled down to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one just live by a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!!!"

An actual mailing:

Greetings, You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.

Yo mama is so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.