The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied:
- Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'.
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said:
- Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
- Whoa there Scotty! - said the doctor.
- Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...
- I think there's yet another wee one to come.
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
- No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...
- It seems there's yet another one besides! - cried the doctor.
The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
- Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said:
- All of you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off now.
The mother went in and told her son:
- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say:
- All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon.
She hears the little boy continue:
- For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.
As the mother began to smile, the child added:
- For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
- That's the most amazing thing I've seen, - I said.
- That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.
The man turned to me and said:
- Yeah, it is. He hated the book.
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust:
- Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:
- I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice...
Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself" she replied.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them!
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
What Exactly Is Marriage?
→ Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents - Eric, six years old
→ When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. - Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
→ You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. - Kelly, nine years old
→ My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. - Carolyn, eight years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
→ Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife - Bert, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
→ They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. - Lottie, nine years old
→ My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. - Jeremy, eight years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
→ On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, ten years old
→ Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. - Craig, nine years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
→ You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - Allan, ten years old
→ Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. - Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
→ You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan - Kirsten, ten years old
→ It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them - Anita, nine years old
→ It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. - Will, seven years old
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says:
- Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says:
- It's $1.00 per word.
The brunette thinks about this and says:
- Comfortable, write that.
- Comfortable? - the guy questions.
- Yes, you see she reads slow.
