A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says:
- So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?
She says:
- Bernie, I want a divorce.
He says:
- I wasn't planning on spending that much.
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted:
- You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.
- Forget the bonus - the turkey said.
- All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid:
- Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?
The kid says:
- Yeah.
The cop says:
- Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says:
- By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?
Humoring the kid, the cop says:
- Yeah, he sure did.
The kid says:
- Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back.
A patient walks into a doctor's office.
- Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
- Doctor: Next!
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk:
- If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
- Did you follow him? Where did he go? - asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies:
- Your house.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
How do you catch King Kong?
→ Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says:
- Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.
The second old man says:
- You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.
Finally the third old man speaks up:
- Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.
While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man:
- What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?
To which the blind man replied:
- Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.
