I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said:
- Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?
She said:
- Do you like sex?
I said:
- Of course I like sex.
She said:
- Do you like to travel?
I said:
- Yeah, I love to travel.
She said:
- Then fuck off.
Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."
The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.
"No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave, who had only one feather in his headdress:
- Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?
His reply was:
- Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather.
She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied:
- Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws.
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief:
- Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said:
- Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all.
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated:
- You ought to be hung!
The Chief replied:
- You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake.
Ms. Walters cried:
- You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!
The Chief replied:
- Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried:
- Oh dear.
The Chief said:
- No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll take a quiet sneak."
So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.
At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from under the bed.
From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all
And she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"
From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"
She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record:
- In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!
Another horse breaks in:
- Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!
- Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28! - says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.
- I don't mean to boast, - says the greyhound, but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!
The horses are clearly amazed.
- Wow! - says one, after a hushed silence.
- A talking dog.
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
She walked into his office and said:
- Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.
- I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.
- Can you help me accept my ugliness?
- I'm sure I can, - the psychiatrist replied.
- Just go over and lie face down on that couch.
