A little girl asked her mother:
- Can I go outside and play with the boys?
Her mother replied:
- No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough!
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked:
- If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?
- Dad: Look at this room. It's a mess. When will our kids start picking up toys?
- Mom: When they have kids!
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:
Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.
Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!
Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!
Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife... I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
- I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
- I'm a cop - says the first man.
- Then we will shoot your penis off! - said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
- I'm a firemen - said the second man.
- Then we will burn your penis off! - said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man:
- And you, what do you do for a living?
And the third man answered, with a sly grin:
- I'm a lollipop salesman!
This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.
Beware of...
- THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
- THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
- THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
- THE RONALD REAGAN virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
- THE MIKE TYSON virus....(Quits after two bytes)
- THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
- THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....(Deletes all old files)
- THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)
- THE PROZAC virus....(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
- THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)
- THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
...and last but not least...
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man:
- Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!
- What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
- Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply:
- I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over:
- I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
- Now, class. Observe closely the worms - said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
- Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment? - the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...
- Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!
How do snowmen read their e-mails?
→ With an icy-stare!
- Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?
- Fred: None!
- Fred (surprised): Why not?
- Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!
