At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
- That won't work - countered the woman.
- I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Ida
- Ida who?
- Ida know.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks:
- What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?
The dog answers:
- ROOF.
The bartender says:
- Who are you kidding? I'm not paying.
The dogs owner says:
- How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else.
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks:
- Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?
The dog answers with a muffled:
- RUTH.
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says:
- DiMaggio?
Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask:
- Now what'd you go and do THAT for?
The Texan just drawled:
- Where I come from, we got a lot of those.
Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out:
- Where I come from, we've got a lot of those.
Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified, the Texan asks why he would go and do a thing like that:
- Well, where I come from, we got a lot of those, but the bottle's worth a nickel.
A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
- You're a brave woman - said the dentist.
- Now, show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
- Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain.
- Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!
On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.
- Dad - says the son.
- what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous.
- Don't worry - comforts the father.
- It's all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees.
So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!
A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said:
- When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you.
- Faith, I thought as much - said the cunning lady.
- but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!
Sign seen on the back of a truck:
Driver carries no money, his wife has it!
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".
He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.
The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked:
- Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?
The smallish fellow replied:
- I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here.
