Most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.

Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.

He said:

- Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex.

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks:

- Is God male or female?

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds:

- Well, honey, God is both male and female.

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks:

- Is God black or white?

- Well, God is both black and white.

This further confuses him so he asks:

- Is God gay or straight?

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless:

- Honey, God is both gay and straight.

At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks:

- Mom, is God Michael Jackson?

my wife is too afraid of cockroaches, one fine day i heard scream of my wife. she saw a cockroach and was screaming. i asked her to take the killing spray and to spray on the cockroach. she took the spray and turned to me and said, "THIS SPRAY IS ONLY TO KILL THE MUSQUITOS," and how can it works for the cockroach, I said to her. "Don't show the lable to the cockroach"

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.

- Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.

A few moments later a second man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.

- Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.

A few moments later a third man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a Military Policeman, Sir.

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a demagogue.

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.

When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation.

When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan had nothing to do with it.

Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...

...what kind of fool am I?

Jules Feiffer

How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ I don't know. I havn't find one that could do it yet.

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
11. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
12. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
13. Well, well, well...
14. I really don't deserve this.
15. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
16. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
17. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
18. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
19. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

- Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

- Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.