Most viewed jokes

The Perfect Worker1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the reportsent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numberedlines.

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

- I just don't get it. - said one.

- She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.

- That may be true - replied the other - but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on.

A gay guy walks into a bar and says:

- bartender give me a brewskie.

The bartender says:

- We don't serve your kind here.

The gay continues:

- I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything.

The bartender says:

- Well, all right! - and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says:

- Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls

A voice is heard from the corner:

- Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying:

- mmmm... mmmhmmm.

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

- Oh, that - he says.

- I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice.

The young woman proudly smiled and replied:

- Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver:

- What's that building there?

- That's the Royal York Hotel - replied the cabbie.

- The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? - asked the Texan.

- About 12 years - replied the cabbie.

- 12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre.

- What's that building over there? - asked the Texan.

- That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre - replied the cabbie.

- Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that? - asked the Texan.

- About three years - replied the cabbie.

- Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.

- What's that building there? - asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.

- Danged if I know - replied the cabbie,

- It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday.

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
5. A prison guard is shaving your head.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

- Hello?

- Hello, is this the FBI?

- Yes. What do you want?

- I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

- Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

- Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?

- Yeah!

- Did they chop your firewood?

- Yep

- Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris forpreschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

- Is that your grandmother? - I asked Chris when he boarded.

- Yes - Chris said.

- She's come to visit us for Christmas.

- How nice - I said.

- Where does she live?

- At the airport - Chris replied.

- Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her.

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says:

- I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.

And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says:

- That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it.

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask:

- Where the hell are you going?

The third mouse stops and replies:

- I'm going home to fuck the cat.

- Zoo visitor: What's the new baby hippo's name?

- Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell me.