Most viewed jokes

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.

Are hamburgers male?
→ Yes, because they're boygers, not girlgers!

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.

They each had to throw one item out: The 1st guy threw out an apple.

The 2nd one threw out a bannana.

The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.

A guy went up to the 1st one and asked:

- Why are you crying?

He answered:

- An Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked:

- Why are you crying?

He answered:

- A Bannana hit me on the head.

He went up to the 3rd one and asked:

- Why are you laughing?

He answered:

- I farted and my house blew up!

- Young man - said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.

- It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!

- I'm glad to hear you say that - replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.

- Everybody else says it's all my fault!

The Perfect Day - Her

- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

- 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

- 9:30 Light Breakfast

- 11:00 Sunbathe

- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

- 1:45 Shopping

- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap

- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

- 10:00 Make love

- 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

- 6:45 Alarm.

- 7:00 Shower and massage.

- 7:30 Blowjob.

- 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

- 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

- 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

- 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

- 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

- 12:30 Blowjob.

- 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

- 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

- 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

- 6:15 Blowjob.

- 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

- 7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

- 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

- 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

- 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

- 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.

- Midnight Blowjob

- Sleep

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said:

- I was going to park there!

The man was a real smart aleck and he said:

- That's what you can do when you're young and bright.

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked:

- What did you do that for?

The little old lady smiled and told him:

- That's what you can do when you're old and rich!

What is your date of birth?
→ July fifteenth.

What year?
→ Every year.

What is a Blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Hump me dump me

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White
OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go cold
OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers
OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's

- Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

- Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

- Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

- Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

- Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

- Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

- Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

- Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

- SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

- Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

- Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

- Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

- Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

- Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

- Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

- Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

- Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

- Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here."

- Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

- Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

- Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

- GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

- Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

- Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

- Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

- Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.