The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
- What seems to be the problem? - the doctor asked.
- Well, I, uh, - she stammered.
- I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.
- I see - he said.
- I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.
- That's not bad - she replied.
- How much for all night?
A long time ago two Scottsmen are in a pub.
One scottsman says:
- I'm going to invent a game.
The second man asks:
- What do you have to do?
The first man says:
- You have to get a ball in a hole.
The second man asks:
- So it's like billiards?
The first man says:
- No, its going to be much farther away.
The second man asks:
- So, it's somthing like bowling?
The first man says:
- No, it's going to be played on grass, and it's going to twist and turn.
So the second man asks:
- So it's kind of like croquet?
The first man says:
- NO, I'm going to put in tall grass, and water, and sand, and trees, just to piss you off!
So the second man asks:
- So you do this once?
The first man replies:
- NO, you do it EIGHTEEN TIMES!!
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.
- What are ye doing? - asked O'Bannon.
- Fishin' - said MacAndrews.
- Caught anything?
- Ach, nae a bite,
- What are ye usin' fer bait?
- Worms
- Let me see it - said O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.
- Have ye got a bite? - asked O'Bannon.
- No! - shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, - The worm's got a salmon by the throat!
Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a jobteaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIALOPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This courseemphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OFTEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,BOSS IN GENERALSPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.
Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.' But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son'.
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said:
- Moving.
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says:
- DING!
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said:
- What ya doin'? She said:
- Buying luggage.
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said:
- Who is it?
He replied:
- It's the plumber.
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said:
- Who is it?
He said:
- It's the plumber!
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said:
- Who is it?
He said:
- It's the plumber!!!!!!!!
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said:
- Who is it?
- Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!! - he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway:
- A dead body! - she exclaimed:
- Who is it?!
The parrot said:
- It's the plumber.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said:
- You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here.
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said:
- Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here.
Mom's Brownies Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr:
- no, no.
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.
Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot.
Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven
