Most viewed jokes

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says:

- I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.

And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says:

- That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it.

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask:

- Where the hell are you going?

The third mouse stops and replies:

- I'm going home to fuck the cat.

- Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

- Doctor: You should diet.

- Trish: Really? What color?

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full.

- Here's the problem - the Dr. says.

- He needs a change.

The father is very perplexed:

- But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

- Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

- Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

- Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

- Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

- Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

- Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

- Man 2: Haircut?

- Man 1: Yeah.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

- Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses. - explained the driver.

- What did you tell the farmer? - Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied:

- I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig.

Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you're ready.

Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!

Try to talk with at least three people between you and your listener, so that they don't feel left out.

The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.

Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they're busy.

The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It's your duty to give them a break now and again.

To make sure that you get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb" sign. When other people use them they're only joking.

Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you've got something to hide.

If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.

Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.

Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you're still there.

If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

- Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough - replied his friend.

"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?
→ They don't like to look down on the unemployed.

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper:

- Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.

The gatekeeper replied:

- First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.