Most viewed jokes

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
→ They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A Widow.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
→ His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
→ I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
→ "Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They are married.

Man says to God:

- God, why did you make woman so beautiful?

God says:

- So you would love her.

- But God - the man says.

- why did you make her so dumb?

God says:

- So she would love you.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes

Life stinks - I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike?
→ You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
→ It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
→ "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

- I have to fluff my shower cap.

- I have to fulfill my potential.

- I left my body in my other clothes.

- I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

- I'll be looking for a parking space.

- I'm being deported.

- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

- I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

- I'm sandblasting my oven.

- I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.

- I'm worried about my vertical hold.

- I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

- I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.

- it's too close to the turn of the century.

- my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

- my plot to take over the world is thickening.

- my subconscious says no.

- none of my socks match.

- the grunion are running.

- the last time I went, I never came back.

- the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...

DOH!

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs:

- Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.

- Now, now - her mother comforted:

- I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.

- No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!

- Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! - says her mom.

- Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.

- No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.

- Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?

- Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

- Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? - he cried.

- I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!

- Well - she said.

- when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

What do vampire footballers have at half-time?
→ Blood oranges.

Why are football grounds odd?
→ Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
→ Because they had a crush on each other!

The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10.

- Now, Fred - said the teacher - you take over, beginning with 11.

- 11, 14, 23, 42, 26 - said Fred.

- What kind of counting is that? - asked the teacher

- Who's counting? - replied Fred.

- I'm calling signals.