Way To A Man's Heart
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
→ Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Guest
Honest Lawyer
What do you call an honest lawyer?
→ An oxymoron.
Guest
United Way Donation
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
- Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied:
- First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled:
- Um...no.
- -or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted:
- -or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident - the lawyer's voice rising in indignation.
- leaving her penniless with three children?
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply:
- I had no idea...
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:
- -so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
Guest
Knock Knock Colin
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Colin
- Colin who?
- Colin all cars, Colin all cars!
Guest
Knock Knock Bossy
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Bossy
- Bossy who?
- Bossy just fired me!
Guest
Knock Knock Becker
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Becker
- Becker who?
- Becker the devil you know!
Guest
Knock Knock Basket
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Basket
- Basket who?
- Basket home, it's nearly dark!
Guest
Actor Knock Knock
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Actor!
- Actor who?
- Actor you, my dear Alphonse!
Guest
Fast Hairy Giant
What is big, hairy and can fly faster than sound?
→ King Koncord.
Guest
Jury of Peers
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant:
- You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.
The man thought for a moment:
- What are peers? - he asked.
- They're people just like you — your equals.
- Forget it - retorted the defendant.
- I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.