An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.
The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says:
- Ma'am it looks like you blew a seal.
The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face:
- No, it's just Mayonaise.
- Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer.
- Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Stay away from prunes.
- Never pee on an electric fence.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.
- Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Never try to baptize a cat.
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:
- This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?
He answered:
- You've got to keep that old motor running.
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:
- You really are amazing. How do you do it?
He again said:
- You've got to keep the old motor running.
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:
- You must be quite a man.
He responded:
- You've got to keep that old motor running.
The nurse then said:
- Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black!
How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.
What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
How do you get a man to exercise?
→ Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know. It's never happened.
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.
Men are like vacations....
→ they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers....
→ hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers....
→ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like horoscopes....
→ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers....
→ they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like laxatives....
→ they irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like parking spots....
→ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why are men like lawnmowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.
Why are men like tile floors?
→ If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
→ "How come?"
What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
→ They'll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
→ Both capture the moment.
Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
→ A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
→ There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
→ Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
→ A bingo machine.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
→ One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One ... Men will screw anything.
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head!
Women's English:
- Yes = No
- No = Yes
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
- We need to talk = I need to complain.
- Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
- I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
- The same old thing = Nothing
- Nothing = Everything
- Everything = My PMS is acting up.
- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
Men's English:
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
- I'm tired = I'm tired.
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
- May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
- You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
- What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
- What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
- I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
- I love you. = Let's have sex now.
- I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
- Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
- Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
- (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
- I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.
THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.
I'D LOVE TO BUT......
- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
- I have to jog my memory.
- I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
- I have to rotate my crops.
- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
- I have to stay home and see if I snore.
- I have to study for a blood test.
- I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).
- I'm going to be old someday.
- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
- I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
- I'm trying to cut down.
- I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.
- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
- My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
- my favorite commercial is on TV.
- My uncle escaped... again.
- Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.
What is every blonde's ambition in life?
→ To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
→ Trying to hold on to a thought.
What is the mating call of the blonde?
→ "I'm "sooo" drunk!"
What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
→ (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
→ They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
→ They always forget the recipe.
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
→ Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
→ Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
→ From eating with forks.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
→ So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.
Things you wouldn't know without the tube. All of life's mysteries are on TV:
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
- You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
- People of TV never finish their drinks.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- The chief of police is always black.
- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
- Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
- If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
- All single women have a cat.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
- Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying:
- Hello?, Hello?
- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
- During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
- If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
- You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
- Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
