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A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk:

- How do you know I am a blonde?

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says:

- That's not a TV - it's a microwave.

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said:

- I can't take this, you're my friend.

But the blonde insisted saying:

- No. A bet's a bet.

Then the redhead said:

- Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money.

The blonde replied:

- Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!

What did the really ugly man do for a living?
→ He posed for Halloween masks!

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk:

- I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

- About 35 - was the reply.

- I'm actually 47 - the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was:

- Oh you look about 29?

- I am actually 47.

That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied:

- I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said:

- Ok, You are 47.

Stunned the woman said:

- That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old man replied:

- I was behind you in line at McDonalds!

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

- Guess what, darling - he said:

- Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.

- And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table - she said.

- We were naked as jaybirds, remember? - he blushed.

- Oh yes - she giggled:

- Why don't we take off our clothes right now?

- All right.

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

- Oooh, darling - she said:

- My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

- No wonder - he said:

- One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say:

- Fuck you!

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

They are:

- Her Doctor; he says - Take your clothes off.

- Her Dentist; he says - Open wide.

- Her Veterinarian; he says - And how is your little pussy doing today?

- Her Gardener; he says - Do you want me to mulch your bush?

- Her Hairdresser; he says - Do you want it teased or blown?

- Her Interior Decorator; he says - You'll like it once it's in.

- Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.

- Her Remodeler; he says - It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.

- Her Milkman; he says - Do you want it in front or in back?

- Her Banker; he says - If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
→ About 5 drinks.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect):

- If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line:

- How much for a ride to the airport - he asked?

- Fifteen bucks - came the reply.

- And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?

- What?! Get the hell out of my cab.

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked:

- How much for a ride to the airport?

The cabbie replied:

- Fifteen bucks.

The businessman said:

- ok and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

First Year

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101--Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework

- MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

- MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule

- MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques

- MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am

- MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

- EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook

- EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

- ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule

- MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong

- MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence

- MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex

- MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers

- ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

- SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It

- SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

- SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex

- MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

- Elective--See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

- MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

- MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

- MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

- MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

- MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

- MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

- MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

- MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions

- MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives

- EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu

- EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils

- EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly

- MEN 231--Mothers-in-law

- MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening

- MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"

- ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her