Most viewed jokes

- I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

- Are you wearing it now?

- Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

- Wow! What kind is it?

- Twelve-thirty.

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee
11. Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee
12. Tanya Harding's - Camp Wackaneenee
13. Kenneth Star's - Camp Catchacrookee
14. Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
15. O.J. Simpson's - Camp Killachickee
16. Michael Jackson's - Camp Wannabewhitey
17. President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie
18. Ellen Degeneras's - Camp Lickacoochie

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckapeepee

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Runners-Up

[AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.

Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.

Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

[Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Special Merit

[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party

A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

- Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it - Payne said.

- It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.'

- He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips - Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.

- I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that - Payne said.

[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts:

- I feel so dumb about this.

No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

- I feel a song coming on.

- I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

- I have to bleach my hare.

- I have too much guilt.

- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it...

- I never go out on days that end in "Y."

- I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.

- I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

- I'm having all my plants neutered.

- I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

- I'm too old for that stuff.

- I'm too young for that stuff.

- I'm touring China with a wok band.

- I'm trying desperately to be less popular.

- I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

- My bathroom tiles need grouting.

- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

- My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

- The English language is not to be spoken.

- You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.

- You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.

- You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.

- It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.

- In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.

- Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

- Kites may not be flown within the city limits.

- It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.

- Spitting is forbidden.

- It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.

- One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.

- Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.

- Cars may not be driven through the town.

- Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

- A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.

- It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

- Bowling is forbidden.

- It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.

- It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.

- It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.

- There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.

- It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.

- Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.

- A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.

- Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.

- Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.

- Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.

- There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.

- You may not own a handgun.

- It is against the law to make faces at dogs.

- No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.

- Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.

- Trucks may only park inside closed garages.

- Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.

- It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

What kind of music do phones love to hear?
→ A symphony

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it:

- Is this seat taken?

The man replied:

- This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.

The other man replied:

- I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?

The man replied:

- They're all at the funeral.

What do astronauts put on their toast?
→ Space Jam.

- Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing has improved.

- Pupil: Thank you

- Teacher: Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!

Once a man went to a resturant and ordered an egg. When it was brought he didn't liked it so he informed the waiter that the egg was bad.
Came the reply:

- I don't lay egg sir I just lay table!