Most viewed jokes

A gorilla was walking thru' a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, "Who's the king of the jungle?", and the deer replied, "Oh, you are, Master." The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared, "Who's the king of the jungle?", of course, the zebra replied, "You are, master." The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. "Who's the king of the jungle?", he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, "Ok, ok, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!"

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

The chieftain of a remote village flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises - screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z - and then added in perfect English:

- Yes, I had a very nice flight.

Another reporter asked:

- Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?

The chief made the same noises - screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z - and then said:

- Yes , and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building.

- Where did you learn to speak such flawless English? - asked the next reporter.

The chief replied:

- Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z - from the shortwave radio.

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks:

- And get me a whisky, you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls:

- And get me another whisky you witch!

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach:

- I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says...

- For someone who can't fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!

Reasons why it's great to be a man:

- Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your orgasms are real. Always.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be president.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

- Same work ... more pay.

- Wrinkles add character.

- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

- One mood, ALL the damn time.

- Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!

- You know stuff about tanks.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

- You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

- You can leave the motel bed unmade.

- You can kill your own food.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

- Everything on your face stays its original color.

- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

- No maxi-pads.

- You don't mooch off other's desserts.

- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

- You almost never have strap problems in public.

- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

- You don't have to shave below your neck.

- Your belly usually hides your big hips.

- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.

He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says:

- Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies:

- Chapter 11.

The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.

The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.

So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass, I'll Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!

Perks of being over 40...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask:

- Did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

- What's wrong with your turtle?

- Not a thing - the man responds.

- this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

- Not a chance! - replies the barkeep.

- Okay then - says the guy...

- you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says:

- I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting:

- Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says:

- Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says:

- OK.

- Well - said Paddy - after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.

Shocked, the judge instantly responded:

- God, that must have hurt!

- Hurt? - Paddy replies.

- He broke three of my fingers!