Most viewed jokes

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says:

- I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful.

James said:

- Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.

Ron was so jealous:

- Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?

- Nope - James replied:

- I couldn't find her head!

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.

- Psychiatrist: What is your problem?

- Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

- Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

A doctor rushed out of his study room.

- Get me my bag! - he shouted.

- Why, what's the matter? - inquired his pretty young wife.

- Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me - he gasped as he reached for his hat.

The young wife sighed.

- Just a moment - she said gently.

- I think that call was for me.

The Yoko Club?
→ Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
→ I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
→ Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
→ Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club?
→ Forget it.

The Ebert movie club?
→ Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
→ You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
→ Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
→ Noh.

The quarterback club?
→ I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?
→ I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club?
→ Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
→ Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
→ Sure.

The pregnancy club?
→ Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club?
→ Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders?
→ They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society?
→ Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club?
→ Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
→ God willing!

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl:

- I have a Nintendo!

Little girl says:

- Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!

Little boy says:

- So, my dad's a doctor!

Little girls says:

- My dad's an astronaut!

Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, "But I have on of these!!!!" and shows the little girl his penis.

The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces:

- My mom said that with one of these (pointing to her's) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
→ It finally dawned on her.

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory?
→ 2 testtickles!