Most viewed jokes

What dog loves to take bubble baths?
→ A shampoodle!

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- What's it telling you now? - she asked.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. - he said.

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast.

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender:

- What's that all about?

The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said:

- Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.

- Okay - said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said:

- You have one wish.

The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.

The guy was astounded and said to the bartender:

- Hey! I didn't want a million ducks.

The bartender replied:

- Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:

- I wish you had a flashlight.

He says:

- Why's that?

She says:

- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

- Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

- No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

- Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

- Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

- Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

- Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

- Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

- Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.

- Toe tag paper cuts.

- The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

- Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

- Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs us money.

- At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

- Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

...and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state-of-the-art computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said:

- I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.

The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says:

- I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.

- Very good - said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. Oh no - she thought - I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says:

- Your feet.

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied:

- Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.