- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner.
- and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.
- That's a shame. - said his friend.
- How did it happen?
- She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!
What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing, yet.
What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
→ Turkey.
What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
→ They both have Kurds in their Whey.
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
What is the best Iraqi job?
→ Foreign Ambassador
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None. They can't turn them on anyway.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.
"How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
→ "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
→ You only have to teach them to take off.
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
→ B-52... F-16... A-10
What is Iraq's national bird?
→ Duck
What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
→ Aeroflot has killed more people.
How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
→ Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
→ So they can see their Air Force.
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
→ He elected to receive.
Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
→ They need a map....
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
- Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings.
- Oh, yeah, sure - says Bob sheepishly.
- Really? How long have you been wearing one?
- Ever since my wife found it in our bed!
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. - How long will Ralph be on crutches? - the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
The top 10 inventions by Blondes:
A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
- Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
Joe says to Bill:
- Want to see a picture of my Aunt?
Bill said:
- Sure.
So Joe takes out a picture.
Bill says:
- What are you talking about? Thats not your aunt! Thats a picture of a fish!
Joe says:
- Well sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
- Were these dishes ever washed? - he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied:
- Of course they were cleaned Father.
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells:
- Here Soap! Here Water!
Signs you took Y2K too serious:
- You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.
- You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.
- You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!
- You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
- You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.
- You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one and five dollar bills.
- You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.
- You were depressed because nothing happened !!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
- You'll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.
- No, no no! I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
