Most viewed jokes

- Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator?

- Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him:

- I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.

- Preacher: You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?

- Old Man: No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!

The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

- What's that phone for? - he asks.

- It's my direct line to the Lord! - the Pope replies.

The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while.

After he hangs up the Rabbi says:

- Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up.

The Pope doesn't want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays.

A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbi's chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matters he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he says:

- Now I also want to pay for my charges on your phone.

The Rabbi looks on the counter and says:

- 1 Shekel 50!

The Pope looks surprised:

- Why so cheap!

The Rabbi smiles:

- Local call.

What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?
→ A harebrush.

What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer?
→ A fair cop.

- Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.

- Man: What's the charge?

- Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.

Pig's explanation for the creation of the Universe:
The Pig Bang Theory.

Is it true the pigs went over Niagara Falls in a barrel?
→ No, that story's just a lot of hogwash.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said:

- Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.

Finally she said:

- How soon do you need to know?

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
→ They make good paddles.