Most viewed jokes

I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!

Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!

But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout:

- My husbands home! My husband's home!

What a gal I married!

And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage......

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?...

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss....

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence....

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license....

Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!

A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel are crossing the desert.

The camel falls dead.

- Before I die - the father says - I would like to see a woman naked.

So the nun takes off all her clothes.

She then says:

- Before I die I would like to see a man naked.

So the father takes off his clothes. She looks at his penis and says:

- My God!! What is that for?

He says:

- You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life.

The nun replies:

- Then how about you stick it up that camels ass and let's get the hell out of here!

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

- Well, tell me! - the man said.

The policeman said:

- We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said:

- Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said:

- I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay.

- Oh my god! - said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.

Remembering what the cop had said, he asked:

- So what's the good news?

- Well - said the cop, when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

- If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?! - he asked.

And the cop replied:

- We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

PRICELESS!

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

- I would do anything to pass this exam.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

- I mean.. - she whispers:

- .. I would do ANYTHING!!

He returns her gaze.

- Anything??

- Yes,.. Anything! - She says.

His voice turns to a whisper.

- Would you.. study??

What do you call a vampire after it is one-year-old?
→ A two-year-old vampire.

What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?
→ A pocket watch.

- Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I?

- Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

- The chicken sounds good; I'll have that - the woman says.

The waiter nods.

- And the vegetable? - he asks.

- Oh, he'll have the fish - she replies.

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

- What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job? - asked the Rabbi.

- Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job - replied the Priest.

- Yes, and then what? - asked the Rabbi.

- Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop - said the Priest.

- Yes, and then? - asked the Rabbi.

- If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop - said the Priest.

- O.K., then what? - asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied:

- With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal.

- And then? - asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies:

- With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.

- Yes, and then what? - asked the Rabbi.

- Good grief! - shouted the Priest.

- What do you expect me to become, GOD?

- Well - said the Rabbi.

- One of our boys made it!