Most viewed jokes

Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?
→ No, you should eat your fingers separately!

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Did you hear about the blind porcupine?
→ He fell in love with a pincushion!

- Cat: What did you get him for his birthday?

- Dog: Pant . . . pant!

- Cat: Great . . . he needs a pair of pants!

- Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday?

- Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.

What's the definition of a Polygamist?
→ A parrot with more than one wife!

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman "Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?"

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead.

- Yeah, I got me a couple of friends - the man said.

When told Egghead was a software store, the man said:

- Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response:

- I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked:

- What power switch?

12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4's and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4's to her 3 1/2's. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didn't know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4's to the same size as the 3 1/2's and put them in the drive!
13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:

- Caller: Hello, is this tech support?

- Tech Rep: Yes, how may I help you?

- Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?

- Tech Rep: I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?

- Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

- Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?

- Caller: No I didn't get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, '4X'

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U....