Most viewed jokes

My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells:

- I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!

The waitress runs over and says:

- That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!

My brother-in-law replies:

- No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says:

- You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we don't have that as a prize!

Once again, my brother in-law says:

- No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!

The manager grabs the prize ticket and reads:

- WIN A BAGEL.

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

- Well - said the demon - the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

- My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

- Well put - the judge replied.

- Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...

1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.
3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.
4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
9. Affirmative action.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.
11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.
17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.
19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"
20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.
21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.
22. Women sportscasters.
23. Women congressman.
24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)
25. Marge Schott.
26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).
27. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).
28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"
29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.
31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.
32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.
33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.
34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.
35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don't need to talk)
36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.
37. That damn apple.
38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.
39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.
40. Rosanne. Nuff said.
41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.
42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?
43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.
44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.
45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.
46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.
47. Nothing should come out a woman's mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!
48. The Mute button only works on the TV.
49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.
50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.
51. Equality is for math.
52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.
53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.
54. Marcia Clark.
55. Chick-flicks.
56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?
57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.
58. Michael Jackson.
59. Silence and sex make a great combination.
60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.
61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.
62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.
63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.
64. High phone bills really suck.
65. Women should be seen and not heard.
66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?
67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).
68. Because they're not men.
69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.
70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.
71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.
72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?
73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hear them?
74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.
75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn't agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress.

They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over:

- Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly - to which the waiteress replied:

- Bur-ger Ki-ng

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said:

- Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse:

- Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food/beer.

A black couple we're invited to a Halloween party and were trying to decide what to dress up as.

The wife says:

- how about Hanzel and Gretel?

Nah...they were white, her husband replied.

Ok, how about Raggedy Ann and Andy?

No way! They're white too and have huge ugly freckles!

So the wife tells her husband to think of something since he always has a smart remark for her choices.

So he thinks a bit and then pops up:

- I got it!

We'll go as Heshey Bars!

- Heshey bars? - replies his wife... - are you nuts!

Exactly! One with nuts, and one without!

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.

The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Brunette asks:

- What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says:

- Yeah, but you've got a driver!