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  • One node short of a network.
  • One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
  • One pane short of a window.
  • One pearl short of a necklace.
  • One prayer short of absolution.
  • One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
  • One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
  • One sentence short of a paragraph.
  • One shade short of a rainbow.
  • One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
  • One ship short of a full fleet.
  • One side short of a pentagon.
  • One signature short of a book.
  • One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
  • One snowflake short of a ski slope.
  • One song short of a musical.
  • One span short of a bridge.
  • One step short of the attic.
  • One strawberry short of a quart.
  • One strike past being called out.
  • One sub short of a party platter.
  • One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
  • One teabag short of a pot.
  • One tower short of a castle.
  • One tree short of a hammock.
  • One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
  • One weight short of a shipwreck.
  • Only one oar in the water.
  • Only playing with 51 cards.
  • Only playing with the jokers
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  • Operating in stand-by mode.
  • Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
  • Out there where the buses don't run.
  • Outlet isn't grounded.
  • Over the rainbow.
  • Overdue for reincarnation.
  • Overruns above 110 baud.
  • Paged/swapped out.
  • Paralyzed from the neck up.
  • Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
  • Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
  • Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
  • People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
  • Perfect chassis, bad driver.
  • Perfect face for Halloween.
  • Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)
  • Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
  • Permanently out to lunch.
  • Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
  • Phototrophic on a better day.
  • Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
  • Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
  • Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
  • Playing hockey with a warped puck.
  • Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
  • Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
  • Plays solitaire... for cash.
  • Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
  • Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
  • Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
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  • Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
  • Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
  • Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
  • Produces a zero-length core dump.
  • Proof God has a sense of humor.
  • Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
  • Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
  • Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
  • Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
  • Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
  • Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
  • Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
  • Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
  • Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
  • Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
  • Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
  • Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
  • Receiver is off the hook.
  • Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
  • Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
  • Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
  • Reset line is glitching.
  • Result of a first cousin marriage.
  • Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
  • Room for rent, unfurnished.
  • RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
  • Running at 300 baud.
  • Running on a 286.
  • Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
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  • Running U.S. appliances on British current.
  • Runs squares around the competition.
  • Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
  • S p a c e d o u t .
  • Sailboat fuel for brains.
  • Sat under the ozone hole too long.
  • Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
  • Serving donuts on another planet.
  • Settled some during shipping and handling.
  • Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
  • Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
  • Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  • Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
  • She only packed half a sandwich.
  • She only schedules zombie processes.
  • She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
  • She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
  • She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
  • Short a few cards.
  • Short-circuited between the earphones.
  • Should be the poster child for family planning.
  • Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
  • Single-sided, low density.
  • Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
  • Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
  • Skylight leaks a little.
  • Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
  • Slinky's kinked.
  • Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
  • Slow as molasses in January.
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  • Slow out of the gate.
  • Smarter than the average bear.
  • Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
  • So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
  • So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
  • So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
  • So dumb, he faxes face up.
  • So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
  • So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
  • So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
  • So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
  • So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
  • So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
  • So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
  • So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
  • Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
  • Some Assembly Required.
  • Some bugs in his software.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
  • Some of her inodes have nodded off.
  • Some pages missing.
  • Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
  • Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
  • Someday when she's younger...
  • Someone blew out his pilot light.
  • Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
  • Someone let the air out of her lock.
  • Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
  • Source code is missing a few lines.
  • Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
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  • Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
  • Still boots to DOS.
  • Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
  • Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
  • Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
  • Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
  • Stuck on the down escalator of life.
  • Stumped by anything child-proof.
  • Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
  • Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
  • Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
  • Surfing in Nebraska.
  • Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
  • Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
  • Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
  • Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
  • Talks to plants on their own level.
  • Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
  • Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
  • The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
  • The butter slipped off his noodle.
  • The cheese slid off his cracker.
  • The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
  • The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
  • The going got weird, and he turned pro.
  • The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
  • The perfect personality to write software manuals.
  • The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
  • The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
  • The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
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  • The two put together have an IQ over 150.
  • The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
  • There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
  • There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
  • They must have done a clean boot on him.
  • Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
  • Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
  • Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
  • Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
  • Thinks at 5 baud.
  • Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
  • Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
  • Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
  • thinks in lower case and types accordingly
  • Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
  • Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
  • Three chickens short of a henhouse.
  • Three miracles shy of being where he thinks he's at.
  • Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
  • Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
  • Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
  • Too many birds on her antenna.
  • Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
  • Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
  • Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  • Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
  • Took the little bus to school.
  • Top paddock is full of rocks.
  • Toys in the attic.
  • Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
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  • Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
  • Traveling without a passport/towel.
  • Trips over cordless phones.
  • Truck can't haul a full load.
  • Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
  • Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
  • Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
  • Two chapters short of a novel.
  • Two degrees off square.
  • Two inches taller than spherical.
  • Two saucers short of a tea-service.
  • Two sheep short of a sweater.
  • Two socks short of a pair.
  • Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
  • Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
  • Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
  • Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
  • Understands English as well as any parrot.
  • Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Useful as a chocolate teapot.
  • Useful as a football bat.
  • Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
  • Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
  • Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
  • Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  • Useful as dinosaur repellent.
  • Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
  • Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
  • Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
  • Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
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  • Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
  • Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
  • Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
  • Vacancy on the top floor.
  • Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting.
  • Vertically-fornicated mind.
  • Views mold as a higher life form.
  • Warranty expired.
  • Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
  • Was born when the planets were misaligned.
  • Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
  • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
  • Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
  • Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
  • Wasn't strapped in during launch.
  • Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
  • Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
  • We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.
  • Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
  • Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
  • When he was compiled they forgot to #include [smarts.h]/[iq.h]/[charm.h].
  • When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick.
  • When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".
  • Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
  • Wise as the world is flat.
  • With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
  • Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.
  • Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
  • Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.
  • Zero K memory
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  • I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
  • I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
  • Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
  • You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
  • You should have been born in the Dark Ages you look terrible in the light.
  • All of your ancestors must number in the millions it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
  • Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
  • I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
  • They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
  • After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
  • You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
  • I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!
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